Confessions of a First Time Mom

Let's be honest here... I feel like I have NO clue what I am doing. Everyday gets a little easier though!

It's been 21 days since my sweet little Evie has been born and I can honestly say it has been the most joyous, blessed, stressful, scary, and sleep deprived 21 days of my life.

If you know me, sleep is like my thing. I love it. Naps. Sleeping in on Saturdays. Sleeping 10 hours straight a night. I guess I kissed that goodbye 21 days ago. I am not complaining because I am overjoyed to be a mother, but this getting up every three hours thing to feed my newborn for 30 - 45 minutes is EXHAUSTING!! Exhausting but worth it. I always knew parents with babies had to get up in the night, and I thought I was ready, but it's not until you are living in it that you realize... THIS IS HARD WORK. Like, the hardest work I have ever done. I thought teaching inner-city sixth grade was tough. WHEW... cake walk compared to motherhood! I am always worried and I know that is straight from the Enemy. Common worries:

• She's crying, what do I do? Is she okay?
• Does she cry too much? Is she in pain?
• Is she eating enough?
• Is she gaining weight today?
• Should I follow Baby Wise?
• Should I have her on a strict schedule at 3 weeks? Or not?
• Am I reading too much crap on the internet and scaring myself? (I can answer that question... YES) 
• Is she happy?
• Is she warm or cold?
• WHY does SIDS exist and will my baby have it?
• My baby spits up a lot, oh dear. 
• Is she sleeping too much?
• She has the hiccups, what should I do?
• She hasen't pooped in a few hours, is she okay?
• She is super gassy, what should I do?
• I miss her when I am away from her, does she miss me?

Never in my life have I been such a worry-wart but being a mom has turned me into the biggest one. The Lord speaks to me so clearly, especially at 3am feedings when all I can do is pray in the silence and darkness, and he told me so clearly to TRUST HIM. Just trust him. He gave ME and Andrew EVELYN and he has entrusted us with her. He knows we can handle it. NO ONE else on this earth is supposed to be Evelyn's mother but me. ME. I got chosen to be her mother. I will do anything for my baby girl.

Being a mother has truly taught me to die to myself. I have literally sacrificed my body, my time, my sleep, my appearance (HA!!), and my leisure activities for her. The sacrifice is well worth it. I look back a year from now and my life is so different. My life was so good a year ago, but now, its filled with more unconditional love.

While nursing, burping, or cuddling time, I usually check my phone. My new favorite app is from John Piper called "Piper Devotionals." You should get it. It's great. I read his stuff and am so impacted by scripture in a whole new way. On April 1, a day that Ev was way fussier than normal (growth spurt, hopefully), the scripture was James 1:2 - 3.

Count it all JOY, my brethren, when you meet various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

Even with a screaming baby and a crying mother because of her crying baby, I knew that the Lord was even using this to produce stronger faith in me. To trust him even more. Evelyn is an angel baby 95% of the day, but that 5% can be rough going. I hate to see and hear her cry.

I know I have to model behavior that I want Evelyn to have. What I want her to see in me is a woman of faith, freedom,  and generosity.  I want her to see me put the Lord before anything else. I want to her to see me bring the gospel to our neighbors and to the nations. Will I fail? YES. Will I sin and will she see me sin? YES. But this verse encouraged me when I read John Pipers devotional. It is Romans 8:28.

We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.

I have been called according to His purpose (thank you Jesus!) and I know because I love God he will work things out for good. Everything I do as a mother will be worked out for GOOD. For the glory of the Lord! So no matter if I fail or sin, he will work it out for GOOD. Can we all just breathe a second and realize that our God is so GOOD. He is so merciful and full of grace. I got a glimpse of his intense love for me a little more 21 days ago.

So here I am blogging. I am exhausted, I haven't worn make-up in days, I am constantly checking my baby monitor and I have so much to do around my house that it's ridiculous.

There is so much I want to say about mommyhood in this post but there is no way I can fit it all... and it's only been 21 days!

So here are a few things I'll cap on.

Andrew:
Ummm... can I say Dad of the YEAR/LIFETIME award?!?! He is so amazing with Evelyn. I honestly hate when he leaves for work because it is so much harder to care for the baby alone. I can't even pee sometimes (used to that though being a teacher) or shower!!!!!!! Andrew loves his baby girl so much that I love to see them together. She is def going to be daddy's girl. And I am totally okay with it! :) Single parents get all my respect! HARD FREAKING WORK.

Breastfeeding:
I love it. So bonding. The first week I wouldn't say I loved it only because my nipples were bleeding and cracked (TMI? Sorry) Good thing my doctor gave me an antibiotic for them to heal and stop infection. I also have to say I am obsessed with my lactation consultant. She is through Advocates for Women, that's the practice my amazing doctor is at. She has helped me so much. I have seen her a couple of times. She has given me so much confidence and knowledge as an exclusively breastfeeding mother that I am so thankful for. Breastfeeding is so natural and I love every second. Even if it is at 3am!!

Weight Loss:
Let's see here. Well, let's just put it on the table. Katie gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy. Like, a lot. Like, more than you want to know. I lost 25 about right away, but now I have quite a bit to go. I am hoping it will be off by summer. The stretch marks are still there but I am hoping those will fade. If not, they are battle scars that will always remind me of the amazing birth of my daughter.

Baby Blues:
The first week I was a weeping mess. Cried all the time. But after that I was totally fine! Thank you Jesus!

Postpartum Healing:
I can't believe how easy my healing was. I had a tiny tear (I have stitches) but it was very little. I was in pain in the hospital but when I came home, I didn't even have to take a pain killer. My doctor saw me for my 2 week check-up and she said I was looking great! I am even exercising now! Another huge praise!! I am so glad I didn't have extensive pain!


I feel like Usher's Song "Confessions" should be playing because I just confessed about all I could for my first time mommy experience!

I LOVE being a mother and I realize that my life will never be the same. I pray that whenever I start to worry or whenever I start to think I am a "bad mom" that the Lord will reassure me of the work he is doing in me for his purpose and glory. I don't need to worry but instead pray to him. I can cast all my cares on Him... because he cares for me! Amen.

I love you Evelyn. You are seriously the tiniest and most amazing best friend I have ever had. Be mine forever??